A very good friend of the past

Today, after a long time, I receive her call. Never expected her to call but she did. It’s amazing how weird this friendship has become. Well, I didn’t know whether liking a friend is a good thing or not but I have to admit, I took likings for this girl a long time ago. Well, it has been close to 5 months since I told her my feelings. Well, I was never good with ladies I like. Things started to change ever since it started. I thought things were over, and we can be friends, good friends like we use to.

I guess I was wrong. I made many efforts to call her out but with no success. I have to admit; at the start, I was the one avoiding her because I still had feelings for her. But soon after she had a bf, I decided not to meet her so often, wishing her all the best in her current relationship.

I guess she never did really understand. It wasn’t long after which I cast my feelings aside. Knowing she felt that I was avoiding, I didn’t wanted her to feel that way. I really wanted to maintain that friendship.

Things didn’t go like plan, many a times; I ask her out but was rejected. Sometimes, she is really busy and I do understand. But there were many incidents, when she cancels my appointment with her to meet her other friends. Reason being either busy… or …

I was really disappointed. Well, I felt stupid. Perhaps I’m the only one who wants to maintain the friendship. Sometime like what my buddy would say, perhaps she is attaching, and thus she doesn’t have the time. But little does she knows, I always ask her about her spending time with her bf. Many a times, she denied. I wonder if perhaps I was the cost of this, and regretted telling her my feelings. I lost a good friend, buddy; soul mate after being in love with her. Never would I want to lose a good friend because of this reason again.

This thing continued for weeks, and slowly months. I decided not to meet her so often and many a times I would give her the benefit of doubt. But many a times, when I call her, I already know what she is doing. It is kind of upsetting. Well I’m not upset for her not meeting me, but really it is because the friendship was like going down the drain, and the trust I have for her was being toyed. I felt miserable. My buddy told me it was perhaps that I still had feelings for her, but I know it wasn’t. It was the feeling of mistrust.

I guess things got a little overboard when even phone calls were made as a promise. Like a promise to call. I felt hurt. Why must this friendship end up in this way? Well, and many a times, she would ask me to make arrangement because we have not meet for along time, but most of the times, she is not free. I really don’t expect her to turn up because I understand she is attached. All I wish is for her to not promise me anything and breaking them. Is that too much to ask for? Even as friends?

All I wish for or hope for is a normal conversation on the phone with a starting and an ending. I don't want this friendship to end.

Is she superficial? No, not that i know of! I know she is way better then that, and that was why i like her. Am i wrong? Have i mistook her actions? I ask myself these questions many many times. I ask friends. and their reply is "Let it go"
I then ask myself is it because i still have feelings for her? Well, i evaluated my feelings. All i know now is, i'm hurt. She once ask me, "Do you feel i'm making use of you?" my reply was definately no in the past but now i feel like perhaps i was just her bouy when she was down, a friend for that moment, just like a friend i know a year ago. It is hurting. I'm human too. I do have my feelings to. I'm not all that perfect. Not all like what they say i'm. I'm sensitive to emotions and thus can understand people better. But what about my feelings? I do have my own feelings too! I can't always compromise! It hurts, it really hurts.

I know this pain will go away soon cos my heart has harden over the years of pain i have gone thru. I might sound emotional, or write emotionaly, but i guess the only reason for that is i care.

That is the only wish I have in this friendship. All I know is I made my effort; my very best effort and I’m tired now.

Today, receiving her called, shocked me. Talking to her and of a good will. I decided to ask her out for a movie again. She said the same thing she would normally say, and promise like she normally would. I don’t know if the promise will be made, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I know I shouldn’t have messaged her. I told her

“Sometimes I feel I shouldn’t tell you,
if I knew it might affect the friendship in this funny manner.
Anyway if you are not free, it is ok.”

She seemed upset and affected, I’m sorry but I really hope she understands.